Sleep on it

With each year of parenting, there seems to be another step to negotiate. One for us recently was sleepovers. A friend asked our son to a sleepover for the first time last year, when he was seven. This started us thinking about what age and who with is it good to start sleepovers?

We wanted to give our son a good first sleepover experience. He had a sleepover lined-up with Grandma, who lives out of town, a while ago but then 2020 hit and the sleepover didn’t happen. We decided it was still Grandma’s first, friends later.

So he went to his friend’s place after school, had a lot of fun and treats, and we picked him up just before bedtime. He was feeling ill after all the party food, and relieved to be at home! In the following school holidays, he had a night at Grandma’s. They have a close relationship and she’s stayed at our place before when we’ve been away, making it an easy transition for him to stay there by himself.

Our son is pretty sensible and organised, meaning he was able to voice concern when dinner wasn’t going to be ready early enough; knew what he needed to do before lights out; and packed his bag the next morning.

As a child I enjoyed sleepovers at my Nana’s. I felt safe, and it was nice having special food and a different bedroom to sleep in. I started sleeping over at friends’ places around eight and they were generally good experiences. There were sleepover birthday parties, but these were occasional. Anecdotally, with the emergence of companies who organise sleepover parties, and places offering sleepover experiences like museums, and I wonder if sleepovers are becoming more of a “thing”.

I canvased friends with children, both of a similar age and older, read around and found out some good tips and a range of experiences. Overall, rather than a set chronological age, it’s more helpful to think about what developmental skills your child needs to manage being away from home overnight.

For us, and many friends, staying with trusted family was an easier place to start. On the other hand the “specialness” of a sleepover at a friend’s house might distract kids from their homesickness. For some parents, sleepovers provide essential cover or a break, e.g. for solo parents or parents who are busy with a new baby, and then it might be a treat to go stay with Nana or a friend.

And of course, the upsides are you’ll get a quiet evening, or if you have multiple children, it’s an easier night or an opportunity to do something special with the other children.

If you think your child isn’t ready, or you’re not comfortable for whatever reason, then it’s perfectly okay to say no. They’re not a necessary part of children’s social development, and kids will be absolutely fine without them.

There are all sorts of reason to be reluctant – it could be cultural, or the parent might worry about their home not being suitable, or caring overnight for another child. Perhaps the parent themselves had a bad experience.

One friend said her daughter wants to have sleepovers because her best friend’s older sibling has them. But at five years old, her parents have decided she’s too young, except for her grandparents’ place. Other friends whose kids are slightly older have made the same call - don’t let comparisons sway you – the child may feel social pressures, but that doesn’t mean you need to.

To explain this to your child, be clear about what you as a family have decided. Perhaps seeing sleepovers as a special treat rather than the default could be a helpful boundary. If you are clear and fair, saying no or not yet, will be accepted (although maybe not straight away!).

Sometimes it may be more about the friend’s family than your child, which can be awkward. You might not know them well, or you just feel uncomfortable. If this is the case, suggest having them over to your house, or meet somewhere neutral like a playground for a playdate instead.

Also consider who else will be in the home during the sleepover such as older brother’s friends or boarders. One friend who works with vulnerable children, says it’s made her very aware of difficult home environments and potential scenarios. Overall, think about if your child has the confidence they could say no to something they’re uncomfortable with.

It might be a good opportunity to have an age-appropriate discussion about kids trusting their instincts, keeping the body parts that their togs cover private (and exceptions, like doctors’ visits), and how while they might dance around naked after their bath at home, they might get dressed quickly if at someone else’s house. This shouldn’t be a "one and done" chat, but part of ongoing discussions about bodies.

So, like many parenting chapters, sleepovers is another one where you’re best to trust your gut, and do what feels right for your child and family – which might mean saying “no” or “not yet”.

How to help sleepovers go well

• Talk about common scenarios that might arise and possible solutions.
• Help your child pack their favourite toy, a spare pair of pyjamas, and anything else they might need.
• Let them know they can call you (or can ask the host adult to) if they need to.
• Send your child along with a pillow and sleeping bag, so not only do they have something familiar, it saves the host doing linen washing.
• Be prepared for your child to be exhausted and keep the next day quiet.

Considerations as a parent

• Ask yourself honestly if your child is ready.
• Is it a family you trust? Has your child been to their place before, do you know the parents, who else (especially adults) lives at the house, what media could they be exposed to?
• Be prepared that you may need to pick them up late at night if the wheels fall off.
• What things are you OK to let slide, versus what does the other family need to know e.g. you might be happy for them to have sugary treats but not to play Minecraft.
• Are there particular considerations such as bed-wetting, special dietary requirements?

Sleepover alternatives

• Offer a fun substitute, such as a playdate or a “late-over” where they have dinner and play time or a movie together at one house, then go home to sleep. They could even reconvene for breakfast!
• If your child is not ready to sleep somewhere else, or you don’t know the family, an option is to host the sleepover at your place.